From as far back as I can remember, my life has been made up of insecurities, judgements, co-dependency, abuse, and loneliness. I was told and shown that I didn’t matter.
By age 12, I had experienced years of both physical and mental abuse. I had been sexually abused four times and had attemped suicide twice. I made the decision to run away and not go back. Not one person came looking for me, not even the cops.
From there, I was thrown into a world where I was left tired, lonely, and scared. Through my experiences, I had learned not to trust anyone, not even those I now call family.
I was beginning to feel like all I would ever experience was shame and guilt for who I was becoming. But then I met someone special who would always be there no matter what. When I was happy or sad, on top of the world or at the bottom of the barrel, I could tell all of my secrets to this special someone and never have them shared. I was always reassured that there would be no end.
When we spent time together, I was willing to lie, steal, and cheat. I was encouraged to just sell my soul to the devil, as it seemed our meeting was inevitable. What was I to do? Always broken and afraid. I knew I would eventually have to say goodbye to my special someone. If not, I would die.
Goodbye my friend, I will miss you. I will remember all that we shared. But it is either you or me, and I have to start choosing me. You have been there through highs and lows, and I can’t thank you enough for that, but it is time to say so long. I am now alone to carry on.
My special someone is named cocaine. I had to let go. Truthfully, I will miss it, but for now there will be no more. Addiction is only a part of me. So take the time to listen, and you may learn a thing or two about who I really am.
